I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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