This beer is not sobering me up at all
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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