The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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