I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
