I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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