I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
