Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
