I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize