If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
