Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
