My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
