I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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