my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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