We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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