Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
