im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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