I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
