Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
