So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
