I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
