...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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