I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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