Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
