Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
