You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
