i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
