every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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