I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
