11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
