i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
