Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
