Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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