Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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