before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
