The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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