I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
