my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
