Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he was CRYING into my vagina
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
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