it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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