Apparently you make a good broom.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize