So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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