Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
