she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
