he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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