I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
