good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
