She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize