I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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