so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
