My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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