my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
