I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we made out on top of his cat.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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