Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
