I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
FUCK WHALES
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