I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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