I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
