You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
