ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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