would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
