The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
