I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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