Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
